my heart is broken
After 3 intense months (Oct till now) of being infatuated with Mr Incredible, I finally found out the dreaded truth that every girl hates to know about her crush. Exactly 2 and a half hours ago. Don't ask.
Right now, my heart is beating like the fragile wings of a tiny little dove, my body is shaking not from the cold but from sobs, my head is spinning from scolding myself, and my eyes are brimming with tears that keep overflowing onto my cheeks, even onto my keyboard as I type.
I'm now scared to set my hopes so high again, getting them dashed by another girl's presence is horrible. I don't know what to do now. I mean, I know what to do...the usual jazz...just (try to) get over him and stop thinking about him, but I dun wan to do it... I don't think I can trust myself not to repeat this one-sided thingy again...
I should have known that this infatuation will only hurt me. Why am I so silly as to keep all his SMSes, to find chances to talk to him, and be thrilled even when I see the spelling of his name. I risk being labelled a psycho and a stalker. But I'm NOT, I just adore him too much. I keep running back to this worn and beaten track of unrequited love. Why do I get my heart held on a string, and then get it broken?
Just now was the only time I ripped off my nonchalent mask normally shown to the world. I took my time crying at the orchard MRT station...there were some ah bengs beside me fooling around...but i sat with my back towards them and faced the wall, i cried silently while telling Karen what happened...who I saw him with...like in drama serials, the female lead feeling devastated after seeing with her own eyes the reality unfolding...that he's not yours and can't be yours and won't be yours...
I know I can’t forget him...Mr Incredible is such a perfect character - talented, godly, humourous, motivated, good-looking, passionate, sensitive, hardworking, savvy, committed. And this had to happen on the SAME day he raised the bar of any possibilities between us. And he was the one to both make and break me. I CANNOT blame him, it would be irrational to dump my repercussions of unrequited love all on him. It's me, not him (as cliched as it sounds). But... How do I just put away someone who have been running back and forth through my mind every other day? How do I make that as easy as opening and shutting a door? How do I make the pain dissipate overnight? How??? I know the answer of course...to lift it all to the Lord. But then again, I am either too stubborn or too disappointed to do it...
The hurting feeling is coming straight from my bones. I feel I am the bearer of a burdensome sorrow, yet at the same time, a bystander watching, as if from the outside of me. I feel so so numb. In a very deep sense, I want to not be myself. I feel like I want to do just about anything to become someone else, to crawl out of my circumstances where rejection and tears could not follow.
Perhaps, this is the same kind of internal sorrow and extreme sadness that leads young girls to cut and abuse themselves. Anything at all to numb the heartache. Numb me.
As I thought about all these things, I thought, how strange to be a Christian— one who promotes to others a message of healing and redemption — and to almost consciously reject that faith myself, when pain comes right smack in my face. Why am I so ironic?
There's a broken heart for sale. Any takers?
Right now, my heart is beating like the fragile wings of a tiny little dove, my body is shaking not from the cold but from sobs, my head is spinning from scolding myself, and my eyes are brimming with tears that keep overflowing onto my cheeks, even onto my keyboard as I type.
I'm now scared to set my hopes so high again, getting them dashed by another girl's presence is horrible. I don't know what to do now. I mean, I know what to do...the usual jazz...just (try to) get over him and stop thinking about him, but I dun wan to do it... I don't think I can trust myself not to repeat this one-sided thingy again...
I should have known that this infatuation will only hurt me. Why am I so silly as to keep all his SMSes, to find chances to talk to him, and be thrilled even when I see the spelling of his name. I risk being labelled a psycho and a stalker. But I'm NOT, I just adore him too much. I keep running back to this worn and beaten track of unrequited love. Why do I get my heart held on a string, and then get it broken?
Just now was the only time I ripped off my nonchalent mask normally shown to the world. I took my time crying at the orchard MRT station...there were some ah bengs beside me fooling around...but i sat with my back towards them and faced the wall, i cried silently while telling Karen what happened...who I saw him with...like in drama serials, the female lead feeling devastated after seeing with her own eyes the reality unfolding...that he's not yours and can't be yours and won't be yours...
I know I can’t forget him...Mr Incredible is such a perfect character - talented, godly, humourous, motivated, good-looking, passionate, sensitive, hardworking, savvy, committed. And this had to happen on the SAME day he raised the bar of any possibilities between us. And he was the one to both make and break me. I CANNOT blame him, it would be irrational to dump my repercussions of unrequited love all on him. It's me, not him (as cliched as it sounds). But... How do I just put away someone who have been running back and forth through my mind every other day? How do I make that as easy as opening and shutting a door? How do I make the pain dissipate overnight? How??? I know the answer of course...to lift it all to the Lord. But then again, I am either too stubborn or too disappointed to do it...
The hurting feeling is coming straight from my bones. I feel I am the bearer of a burdensome sorrow, yet at the same time, a bystander watching, as if from the outside of me. I feel so so numb. In a very deep sense, I want to not be myself. I feel like I want to do just about anything to become someone else, to crawl out of my circumstances where rejection and tears could not follow.
Perhaps, this is the same kind of internal sorrow and extreme sadness that leads young girls to cut and abuse themselves. Anything at all to numb the heartache. Numb me.
As I thought about all these things, I thought, how strange to be a Christian— one who promotes to others a message of healing and redemption — and to almost consciously reject that faith myself, when pain comes right smack in my face. Why am I so ironic?
There's a broken heart for sale. Any takers?
time was freezed on ... 1:07 AM
1 Comments:
You're not a stalker nor a psycho. If you are, that would make a lot of people one too...
The pain will be there, you need to let it out, slowly, bit by bit.
If you need someone.. I'll only be an msn away.. (})
10:17:00 PM
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