life improvisations

Tinkling and tinkering on the glass mug filled with Argentinian wine courtesy of Ave and Jussi, I am finally posting something meant for my one reader, rather than a regurgitation of intense emotions for self-expression.

Perhaps, this is an tiny update of sorts of what's going on since I came back to Singapore from Australia.

A hundred thoughts flash through my mind each day, though I think a more plausible number is a thousand, or few thousand, whatever. No empirical evidence whatsoever, but yeah, just know that there are a lot of thoughts...

Peeps on MSN start off convos with "how's life?" but I always hated the proverbial "fine" or "good". I've got an answer somewhat now. Life to me is like improvising on music - I try to plan for it but sometimes, the unexpected tune just hits my chord. Like, ill-timed serendipity. I scat through it, thinking I can be flexible, but mostly I scrape my throat.

I set foot again on this island I am supposed to call home after fourteen months away. I honestly don't feel an awashing of homeliness, really, due to reverse culture shock. My heart is of course tied to the people who I feel connected and drawn to - my dad, my cliques, my sworn sister, miscellaneous buddies who crater-impacted me...

Plenty of people have remained the same, with no significant changes except for more birthday photos on their website, or a new job title on their business card. Out of these, there is a [sub]Plenty of people who have progressed to a higher life stage with wedding rings, babies, houses and mortgages, but the core of their beings is same ole same ole.

Then there is a [niche]Plenty who did change as the songs of life modulates on, who happen to be closest to my heart, and because of that fact I discover a dwindling sense of closeness to them. It's hugely my fault because I couldn't keep in smooth touch with them under the bane of long distance. I finally get the taste of what opportunity cost is.

How am I going to improvise now? What to do now? I have no concrete idea... I do have many upcoming things on my plate:: a career in business broadcasting, a prose-writing mentorship, a start up of OHM underground webbie, a revision of vocals/violin lessons. Love (my Achilles' heel) will have to be put under the plate, until it is palatable.

In retrospect, I am glad I went away, despite the opportunity cost of going away. I have transformed to be much more selective plus focused on the stuff I spend my time on. I have decided to choose my circle of influences wisely, for they can make you sprint or keep you just stationary. I have learnt to listen, to really listen. Well, I haven't learnt it in totality yet, but now I intently want to listen to God, listen to speech, listen to sounds, listen to art - triply, carefully, honestly. I want to use the whole of my ear structure, from outside in from a passive to an active state.

These are my improvisations on life. I go with the flow, I follow my feelings, I react to my gut. I am not sure how the music will turn out being so unrehearsed and impromptu, but I know that at least I will be facing the music, and listening to it.